Wow, its been over a month since my last post. I have wanted to post, but honestly, I have had a hard time finding the words.  This whole art project, and Jasmine writing out her story has been very intense. It became very apparent at the beginning of this, that her first counselor didn't really help Jasmine learn to cope, but more just showed her how to sweep it under the rug. So in many ways, we have started completely over.  Jasmine has very strong feelings of being 'gross' or 'icky' or it being her fault, like she must have done something really bad to deserve it. She has expressed being completely terrified that the offender is going to make good on their threats and kill her. A few weeks ago, she said "I feel like the flood gates have opened. I feel like I am going to drown, or be washed away forever. I want to close the gates back up. I don't want these feelings." I tried to not cry, and said "My sweet baby girl, daddy and I are waiting right here, on a raft with life jackets. We are ready. We wont ever let you drown. You are not alone." I keep telling her that she is beautiful, strong, brave, courageous and non of this is her fault. She didn't deserve this. I keep telling her that she is safe. That horrendously evil person will never hurt her again...but it doesn't make it better. I wish more than anything, that I could go back in time, and never take her to that house.  I sometimes sit here, especially when she is hurting, and just get so filled with rage and heartbreak, I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel like the world is going on around us, like nothing has happened, the family has moved on in their denial acting like victims, and we are at a stand still. Or moving in slow motion. Weighted down, and forever changed.  I am so glad that Jasmine has the counselor she does now.  I feel like she is going to be able to really start to heal, and recover from this...it is just going to take time. I wish we would have found this counselor first, but maybe there is a reason we didn't.  Jasmine asked me last week, to write out everything I remember, from the first night she told about the abuse, to the trial. She says she wants to make sure what she remembers is real, and wants to know what she hasn't told us.  All of the details, that I have heard are heinous. I have no idea how I am going to put them into words to tell her. I know I need to just pull it together and write it out. After all, it happened to her. She is writing it out. She has been so brave through all of this. Why am I being such a baby? I guess my biggest fear, is reminding her of something she has forgotten, and traumatizing her. Her counselor says that now is the best time to get every detail out, so she can recover and heal.  That not doing it is like lighting dynamite, throwing it in a trash can, and putting a lid on it, hoping it doesn't explode.  Please keep Jasmine in your thoughts. This is an incredibly difficult process that no child should have to go through.