3 Years

Yesterday marked 3 years.  3 years ago I was told that my 6 year old daughter had been sexually abused, and it had gone on for almost 2 years.  I was told the abuser had threaten to kill her numerous times if she told. My husband was hunting. I sat with my mom in complete shock as she told me. After that, I sat and held Jasmine as she told me some details, completely terrified about what would happen next. I held her tight as she cried herself to sleep in my arms that night.  I kept telling her that we loved her more than anything in the world, and she was safe now, no one would ever hurt her again. I kept telling her it was going to be okay. I had no idea how I was supposed to make everything okay, or what to do.  My world completely stopped.  That night, I felt so many emotions all at once, and some of them, I now know that  I hadnt truly felt before until that night. Heartbreak, fear, anger, sadness, RAGE, I felt like I could have actually killed someone that night, and I am so thankful that I couldnt drive-who knows what wouldve happened if I couldve driven there. I am also so thankful for Brett and Courtney who came and sat with me that night.  As I look back on the last 3 years, I cant believe how far we have come, everything that we have been through, but I also see how far we still have to go. Yes, the legal part of it is over. The initial stress and trauma is over. The physical and surface scars have healed. But what we are left with are deep, emotional wounds.  Jasmine continues to amaze me everyday. How well she carries on with her little life. How she still sees good in people. She still has such compassion and love for others.  We still have ups and downs, but nothing like we used to have. The first year and a half was so rough. She wasnt herself at all. There was so much anger, sadness, pain, and rage. Everyday we went through an overwhelming roller-coaster of emotions. Now we have mostly good days. But the bad is never far away. And a good day can quickly turn to a very bad day with the smallest trigger. A smell. A sound. A name. A color. A word. A tone in someones voice. A look on someones face. Things that seem so insignificant, can be a huge trigger, and send her into a very dark place.  Yesterday, I was going through some drawers in our room, and I came across some paperwork that I thought I had destroyed, from Cares NW, from her first intake. Also I found paperwork from the childrens justice center, from when they first started the investigation, and the paperwork stating the offender had been charged.  It just hit me. All these memories just came flooding back. I sat and cried for probably an hour. I mean really cried. sobbed. Most days are good, and I just keep trucking along, focusing on Jasmine and her healing, doing all of the "normal" mommy things, plus making sure she FEELS safe, trying to prevent triggers, and running interference when she is. I keep myself occupied and focused on her, if I do that, Im okay. Its when I find something that I thought I had destroyed (like those documents), or really stop and look back at the last 3 years, that is when I break down.  I still blame myself everyday EVERYDAY for what happened to her. I never should have let her be around those people. I should have left her in preschool. I should have known something was wrong.  It just kills me. Every time she was a trigger, its rips me apart inside. And knowing that there is NOTHING I can do to take it all away, and erase her memories, completely breaks my heart.  I know that it will get better with time, and I have to believe that even though this has been horrible, there is some reason this happened. Thtat something good can come out of this for her. That all this pain and trauma hasnt been for nothing.