Its been a while....

I haven't blogged at all since I started this. I have tried, but I just end up crying. I try to work on the petition, and I cry. I guess I need to try to work through my feelings about this whole thing before I take on the state of Washington. I don't know. Its just still so hard, and I start to wonder if I am just weak. I look at my daughter everyday and I am so amazed at how well she is doing. I feel like I am beeing such a baby, and I should be able to buck up and move on. We still have ups and downs, and set backs ( which I have been told will happen for the rest of her life ) but all in all, we are now having more ups then downs, and a lot of good days. She is so strong and positive. I can honestly say that my 8 year old daughter is my hero. Even though she has been through such a horrible thing, she still sees the good in people, where I have a very hard time doing so. I do not trust people, especially with her. She wants to go over to her friends houses for play dates and sleep overs, and I just cant do it. It freaks me out. She does go over to her little best friend's house for play dates twice a month. I know the parents really well, and I myself hangout over there, but even so, I practically hold my breath until she gets home, and ask her a million questions about everything. The last time she came home from being there, and I was "interrogating" her about her play date, she looked at me and said " You know mama, not everyone wants to hurt me, and there still is a lot of good people in the world."

WOW...I guess it is hard for me to remember that sometimes. I guess I am still going through the many levels of this. It really is a process. I was just running on autopilot trying to make sure she was okay, getting her help and dealing with the justice system, that I set (my feelings and emotions) aside. I just wonder when I'm not going to think about it everyday. And when I can let go of the guilt and stop blaming myself for this. As a mother, you want to do your best to make sure your child has everything they need, to protect them from harm, and to help mold them into a wonderful person. I chose to have her go to that house. I chose to believe that these people were like family and that they would take care of my child. Everyday I think to myself that if I would have just left her in preschool, even though she would've been bored, this never would have happened. My baby girl is going to deal with this for the rest of her life. Although it wont always be on her mind, she will be reminded of it, and she will be triggered and have set backs. Like a month ago, there was a girl in her class that is kind of a bully, and she was making fun of someone, Jasmine tried to step in and get a recess aid, and the girl grabbed Jasmine and threatened to beat her up. Now Jasmine could take the girl out if she wanted to (she is in black belt training) but the girls words triggered Jasmine, and put her back into a pretty bad place. Things like that just break my heart. Especially since there isn't anything I can do to prevent it. I cant put her in a bubble, and I cant keep her locked in the house her whole life. I guess I need to try to make peace with myself, and other things attached to this. I am going to try to blog about it everyday, and look for the good in people. I am going to try to work on my mission everyday. I am going to take Jasmine's lead, and try to catch up with this truly inspiring person I am blessed to have as a daughter.